I personally myself may not be the IQ of the sentury even after a lifetime in skool, but I am lukkyer then most because when I get home I have the best dad in the world with a lot of brian to spare. Here are some of his words of wisdom - he calls them Homer's Kommandments - what he has wrote for me to study and fer you to share...

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

God bless those pagans.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!

The meaning behind the language of the news which bombards us every day is changing. Here’s a few pointed examples:

Alternative Lifestyle A living arrangement considered exotic and slightly offensive by the prevailing culture; e.g., a churchgoing nuclear family headed by a married couple, one (and only one) of whom is a woman.
Beard Male facial foliage, formerly shaved clean or grown to exuberant excess according to the taste of the times. In current fashion, a carefully cultivated five o'clock shadow.
Closet The secret hideout of anyone who would be disgraced by public exposure, like homosexuals in the past or admirers of Richard Nixon today.
Director’s Cut The laborious restoration of a film to its former ego boundaries; the only cut that adds length to the original.
Edgy Sufficiently abrasive and obnoxious to captivate an urban audience.
Education The long and difficult process by which a young person comes to detest books.
Flirting Wiggling one's toe in the pool while fantasizing about a swim into the deep end. In the contemporary workplace, likely grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Freedom 1. In the U.S., the sacred right to speak and act according to one's conscience, except when dealing with sensitive special-interest groups or militant Republican administrations. 2. What the U.S. frequently exports to developing nations, by force if necessary.
Gated Community An upscale residential enclave that graciously surrounds itself with walls to protect the outside world from its inhabitants.
Interactive Describing a computer program so technologically advanced that it provides almost the same satisfaction as a simple dialogue between two actual humans.
McJob The first stop on a college graduate’s journey to lifelong McCynicism.
Opportunist Someone skilled at exploiting people and events for personal gain, a behavioral aberration generally punished with fame and riches.

How wrong can you be? Here is a list of the most common
misnomers or misused expressions which pop up in conversation
or in writing, not quite in the way they were meant to be
expressed.

Have a giggle and see how many you may be misusing too!

(The proper term or word comes after see)

(ethnic) routes see root »
(go (at it)) hammer and thongs see tongs » thongs
a hair's breath see breadth »
a hare's breadth see hair »
a mood point see moot »
a mute point see moot »
a pigment of so.'s imagination see figment »
a posable thumb see opposable »
a shoe-in see shoo »
a shot over the bough see bow »
a tough road to hoe see row »
adverse to see averse »
all for knot see naught »
all for not see naught »
all fours »
all goes well (for) see augurs »
all total see told »
Alzheimer's » Old-Timer's
anchors away see weigh »
and hoc see ad »
and hominem see ad »
and infinitum see ad »
and libitum see ad »
and nauseam see ad »
another words see in other »
antidotal evidence see anecdotal »
back and call see beck »
bailing wire see baling »
baited breath see bated »
ball one's eyes out see bawl »
ban together see band »
bantied about see bandy »
bare in mind see bear »
bare the brunt see bear »
bare the name see bear »
bare witness see bear »
barred wire see barbed »
batter an eyelid see bat » batter
bean stock see stalk » stock
bear-faced lie see bare » bear
bear-handed fight see bare » bear
bear-knuckled see bare » bear
bearbacking see bare » bear
beck » back
beck and call » beckon call
beck and call » beckoned call
beck and call » beacon call
beckon the question see beg » beckon
bed » bread
bedside manor see manner » manor
beg » beckon
behoove » be who of
bellwether » bellweather
benighted » beknighted
beseech » besiege
bide » buy
bit » pit
bite » byte
black and red fish see blackened » black and
blackened » black and
blackmail » blackmale
bogged down » balked down
boisterous » voiceterous
bold-faced lie see bald » bold
Bombay chest see bombé » Bombay
bombé » Bombay
bona fide » bonified
boot(-)strap » boots-trap
bouillon » bullion
bow » bough
branded about see bandied » branded
bread and breakfast see bed » bread
breadth » breath
brim » rim
bring to bare see bear » bare
buck » butt
bud » butt
bullion cube see bouillon » bullion
bumper to bumper » bumpetta-bumpetta
bupkis, bupkus, bupkiss » buttkiss
bus » bust
bustboy see bus » bust
busting tables see bus » bust
but naked see butt » but
but(-)kicking see butt » but
butt » bud
butt » but
butt naked see buck » butt
buy one's time see bide » buy
by and by » bye and bye
by and large » by enlarge
by and large » by in large
by ear » by year
by-election » bi-election
bylaw » bi-law
cacciatore » catchitore, catchitori, catchatore, catchatori
Cadillac » Catillac
Cadillac converter see catalytic » Cadillac
cahoots » cohorts
can't be asked see arsed » asked
canola » granola
case in point » case and point
catalytic » Cadillac
catnap » catchnap
caused someone his/her job, life, etc. see cost » caused
ceanothus » cyanothus
cease » seize
cease and decease see desist » decease
cease the day see seize » cease
cease the opportunity see seize » cease
centrifical force see centrifugal » centrifical
centrifugal » centrifical
centripedal force see centripetal » centripedal
centripetal » centripedal
cents » sense
chaise longue » chaise lounge
champ at the bit » chomp at the bit
charm » champ
chewy nugget see nougat » nugget
chic » sheik
chickens come home to roast see roost » roast
cholesterol » cholester oil
chord » cord
cinch » synch
claim heartship see hardship » heartship
cling and clatter see clink » cling
clink » cling
clique » click
co-opt » co-op
coded » coated
coif(f)ed » quaffed
cold-hearted » cold harded
collaborating evidence see corroborate » collaborate
color-coated see coded » coated
coma » comma
come on » common
come to knot see naught » knot
come to not see naught » not
come to turns with see term » turn
coming down the pipe see pike » pipe
commander-in-chief » commander and chief
common everybody see come on » common
common guys see come on » common
congestive » conjunctive
conjunctive heart failure see congestive » conjunctive
contend » content
content with see contend » content
copy writer » copyrighter
copyright » copywrite
cord » chord
corn stock see stalk » stock
cornroll see row » roll
corps » core
corroborate » collaborate
cost » caused
courtesy » curtsey
crosier » crow's ear
cruller » crawler
crutch of the matter see crux » crutch
crux » crutch
cue » queue
curtsey call see courtesy » curtsey
curtsey of see courtesy » curtsey
cut off one's nose despite one's face see to spite » despite
cutting age see edge » age
cuttlefish » cuddlefish
cyberstocking see stalk » stock
cymbal » symbol
Dachshund » Dashound
damp squid see squib » squid
dander » gander
dashboard stomach see washboard » dashboard
dawn » don
day and age » day in age
dead wringer see ringer » wringer
death charge see depth » death
death throws see throes » throws
deem » deign
deep-seeded see seat » seed
defamation » deformation
deformation of character see defamation » deformation
defunct » defunked
defuse » diffuse
deign worthy (of) see deem » deign
deluded » diluted
demur » demure
depth » death
derring-do » daring-do
desert » dessert
desist » decease
die » dye
die-hard » die-hearted
discard » disguard
distraught » diswrought
djinn up see gin » djinn
do » dew
do » due
do diligence see due » do
do process see due » do
do to (the fact, etc.) see due » do
dog-eat-dog » doggy-dog
doggy-dog world see dog-eat-dog » doggy-dog
don on (someone) see dawn » don
don't know buttkiss see bupkis, bupkus, bupkiss » buttkiss
downright » darn right
draw a beat on see bead » beat
drawl » draw
drawl » brawl
due » do
due or die see do » due
each his » each's
eclair » eggclair
ectopic » eggtopic
edge » age
eggtopic pregnancy see ectopic » eggtopic
en » on, in
enact revenge on see exact » enact
enact vengeance on see exact » enact
espresso » expresso
eternally » internally
ever » every
every since see ever » every
exact » extract
exact » enact
exclamation » explanation
exercise » exorcise
exorcise » exercise
expatriate » expatriot
explanation mark see exclamation » explanation
explanation point see exclamation » explanation
expletive » explicative
explicative deleted see expletive » explicative
extract revenge on see exact » extract
extract vengeance on see exact » extract
fair to midland see middlin' » midland
fairy tail see tale » tail
fait » fate
fall by the weigh side see way » weigh
far be it for me see far be it from » far be it for
far be it from » far be it for
far-gone conclusion see foregone » far gone
fartlek » fartlick
fast majority see vast » fast
fast swathes see vast » fast
fate accompli see fait » fate
faze » phase
fell » fowl
fell » foul
figment » pigment
financial heartship see hardship » heartship
flair » flare
flaw in the ointment see fly » flaw
flesh » flush
flesh against see flush » flesh
flout » flaunt
flush » flesh
flush out see flesh » flush
fly » flaw
flying a flag at half-mass see mast » mass
foolhearty see hardy » hearty
foolscap » fullscape
for all intensive purposes see intents and purposes » intensive purposes
foregone » far gone
founder » flounder
fount of knowledge » font of knowledge
free reign see rein » reign
French benefit see fringe » French
French crawler see cruller » crawler
fringe » French
from here on end see in » end
from the gecko see get-go » gecko
furl one's brow see furrow » furl
furled brow see furrow » furl
furrow » furl
gain » game
gall » gaul
game » gain
gameful employment see gain » game
gamefully employed see gain » game
gamut » gamete
gamut » gambit
get a beat on see bead » beat
get one's gander up see dander » gander
get-go » gecko
gin » djinn
gird » girdle
girdle one's loins see gird » girdle
give (someone) his/her do see due » do
give credit where credit is do see due » do
give free range see rein » range
give so. the load down on sth. see lowdown » load down
go through one's mine see mind » mine
goal standard see gold » goal
gold » goal
granola oil see canola » granola
granted » granite
Grauman » Grumman
grim and bear it see grin » grim
grin » grim
grin and bare it see bear » bare
Grumman's Chinese Theatre see Grauman » Grumman
gung-ho » gun-ho
guttural » gutteral
hackneyed » hack-kneed
hailed into court, hailed before the court see hale » hail
hair » hare
hair's breadth » hare's breath
hale » hail
hallmark » wholemark
Halloween » Holloween
halter monitor see Holter » halter
ham-fisted » hand fisted
hand » hat
handful » hand few
handsome cab see Hansom » handsome
Hansom » handsome
harbinger » harbringer
hardily see hearty » hardy
hardship » heartship
hardy » hearty
harebrained » hairbrained
hawk » hock
he who plays the piper calls the tune see pay » play
heap » heave
hear » here
hearty » hardy
heave scorn on see heap » heave
heel » heal
hegemony » hedgemoney
here, here see hear » here
heresy » hearsay
hierarchy » higherarchy
hire » higher
hoarfrost » whorefrost
Hobbesian choice see Hobson's » Hobbesian
Hobson's » Hobbesian
hoist » host
holds » holes
Holter » halter
home » hone
hone in on see home » hone
hosted on/by one's own petard see hoist » host
hue and cry » human cry
hybrid » high bred
hydrocele » hydroseal
I'll be darned » all be darned
immemorial » in memorial
impact(ed) » inpacked
imperial » empirical
in » end
in able to see order » able
in cohorts with see cahoots » cohorts
in lame man's terms see layman » lame man
in other » another
in shore supply see short » shore
in the mist of see midst » mist
in/on route (to) see en » on, in
incestuous » insectuous
inclement » inclimate
incorrigible » incourageable
inherent » inherit
intents and purposes » intensive purposes
interfere » interfear
interim » in-term
internally grateful see eternally » internally
intolerant » and tolerant
invaluable » unvaluable
invisible » invincible
jack of all traits see trade » trait
jibe » jive
jointly and severely see severally » severely
just desserts see desert » dessert
keel » kill
kick but see butt » but
kill over (and die) see keel » kill
knit-pick see nit » knit
knitwit see nit » knit
know so. from atom see Adam » atom
lack toast and tolerant see intolerant » and tolerant
lack toast and tolerant see lactose » lack toast
lack toast intolerant see lactose » lack toast
lactose » lack toast
lactose and tolerant see intolerant » and tolerant
laissez-faire » lazy-fare
landlubber » landlover, land lover
lapse into a comma see coma » comma
last ditch » last stitch
last rights see rite » right
laughing stalk see stock » stalk
layman » lame man
leach » leech
learn by route see rote » route
left-wind see wing » wind
lemonade » lemon-aid
let alone » little lone
libel » liable
limb » lurch
linguistics » languistics
livestalk see stock » stalk
lo and behold » long behold
locus » locust
locust of control see locus » locust
loggerheads » lagerheads
lose » loose
lowdown » load down
magnate » magnet
make a pack with the devil see pact » pack
make dew see do » dew
make due see do » due
make ends meat see meet » meat
make heads or tales of sth. see tail » tale
manner » manor
mano a mano » mano-on-mano
marble » marball
marshal(l) law see martial » marshall
martial » marshall
mast » mass
medal » metal
meet » meat
metal » medal
mettle » metal
middlin' » midland
midst » mist
might » mine
might as » minus
militate » mitigate
mind » mine
mind you » mind due
mine as well see might » mine
minus well see might as » minus
mitigate against see militate » mitigate
Monday detail see mundane » Monday
money is/was no option see object » option
moot » mute
moot » mood
moreover » morever
mores » morays
Morning Becomes Electra see mourning » morning
morning dove see mourning » morning
mother lode » motherload
mourning » morning
much adieu see ado » adieu
mundane » Monday
narrow » arrow
naught » not
naught » knot
naval(-)gazing see navel » naval
navel » naval
neck and neck » neck in neck
nether » never
never regions see nether » never
next door » next store
nip in the butt see bud » butt
nit » knit
no holds barrel see barred » barrel
no holes barred see holds » holes
no stings attached see string » sting
Nobel laureate » Nobeloriate
nougat » nugget
object » option
of salt » assault
off the beaten path » off the beat and path
off-quoted see oft » off
off-repeated see oft » off
off-times see oft » off
oft » off
old langsyne see auld » old
old wise tale see wives » wise
old wives tail see tale » tail
old wives' tale » old wise tail
on a whim and a prayer see wing » whim
on a wink and a prayer see wing » wink
on mass see en » on, in
on masse see en » on, in
on tenderhooks see tenterhooks » tenderhooks
on the spurt of the moment see spur » spurt
on track » untracked
once in a while » once and a while
one and the same » one in the same
one foul swoop see fell » foul
one fowl swoop see fell » fowl
one(-)off » one(-)of
open-mined see mind » mine
opposable » a posable
or other » or rather
order » able
out of » outer
out on a lurch see limb » lurch
outer body experience see out of » outer
overdue » overdo
owe » own
own one's success to see owe » own
owning to see owe » own
pact » pack
paean » peon
pains(-)taking » pain-staking
paprika » pepperika
paramour » power mower
part and parcel » part in parcel
parting of the waves see way » wave
party hardy see hearty » hardy
pass muster » pass mustard
passed » past
past » passed
past away see passed » past
pay » play
pay-per-view » paper-view
Peace Core see corps » core
peak one's interest see pique » peak
pedal to the medal see metal » medal
pedestal » pedastool
peer » pier
penchant » pension
per aspera and astra see ad » and
per se » per say
peremptory » pre-emptory
petition » partition
pick knits see nit » knit
pidgin » pidgeon
piece » peace
pied » pipe
pier-to-pier network see peer » pier
pike » pipe
pincer » pincher
Pipe Piper see pied » pipe
pique » peak
pits and pieces see bit » pit
plain geometry see plane » plain
plane » plain
plantar » planter
planter warts see plantar » planter
play it by year see by ear » by year
playwright » playwrite
point of you see view » you
poise » pose
polka dot » poke-a-dot
pore » pour
posed to (do something) see poise » pose
post-dramatic stress disorder see traumatic » dramatic
post-pardon depression see postpartum » post-pardon
postpartum » post-pardon
pour over (a text) see pore » pour
powerhouse » powerhorse
pre-emptory challenge see peremptory » pre-emptory
pre-fix menu see prix-fixe » pre-fix
precedent » president
prima donna » pre-madonna
prix-fixe » pre-fix
prospective » perspective
prowess » poweress
pylon » pile-on
pylon » pie-line
qualm » quorum
quote unquote » quote on quote
rabble » rebel
rabble » rubble
rabid » rapid
rain » reign
rain supreme see reign » rain
rampant » rapid
rank and file » ranking file
rapid fan see rabid » rapid
rapt » wrapped
ratify » radify
reap what you sew see sow » sew
rebel rouser see rabble » rebel
reductio and absurdum see ad » and
reek havoc see wreak » reek
regardless » irregardless
reign » rain
reign in see rein » reign
rein » range
rein » reign
renowned » reknowned
ride roughshot see roughshod » roughshot
rife with » ripe with
rift » riff
right as reign see rain » reign
right of passage see rite » right
right of way » right away
right-wind see wing » wind
rimful of see brim » rim
rimmed with see brim » rim
rimming with see brim » rim
ring » wring
ring one's hands see wring » ring
ring so.'s neck see wring » ring
ringer » wringer
rite » right
rod iron see wrought » rod
role call see roll » role
roll » role
roller coaster » roll-a-coaster
roost » roast
root » route
rot iron see wrought » rot
rote » route
roughshod » roughshot
route cause see root » route
row » roll
row » road
rubble-rouser see rabble » rubble
rubble-rousing see rabble » rubble
run rapid see rampant » rapid
run roughshot see roughshod » roughshot
run the gambit see gamut » gambit
run the gamete see gamut » gamete
s.o.'s lips are steeled see sealed » steeled
sacred cow » holy cow
sacrilegious » sacreligious
sail (someone) down the river see sell » sail
salchow » sowcow
salchow » sowchow
Sam Hill » Sand Hill
samblind » sand-blind
sarcastic » sartastic
say one's peace see piece » peace
scapegoat » escape goat
scapegoat » scrapegoat
scare » scar
scare » square
Scarlet Teenager see Tanager » teenager
scarred the heck out of see scare » scar
sealed » steeled
seat » seed
segue » segway
seize » cease
seize and desist see cease » seize
seize fire see cease » seize
self-righteous » self-richeous
sell » sail
sensor » censor
set foot » step foot
severally » severely
shoo » shoe
shore-term see short » shore
short » shore
short shift see shrift » shift
short-sighted » short-sided
shrift » shift
shudder » shutter
sing-along » sing-a-long
skeletal staff see skeleton » skeletal
skeleton » skeletal
skewer » skew
skim » skin
skin milk see skim » skin
slather » smother
sleight » slight
slight of hand see sleight » slight
slings » stings
slither » sliver
sliver » slither
sloe » slow
slow gin see sloe » slow
slow-eyed see sloe » slow
smother on see slather » smother
snub » snob
snuff » stuff
so to speak » sort of speak
soak and wet see soaking » soak and
soak one's wild oats see sow » soak
soaking » soak and
social morays see mores » morays
soft-pedal » soft-peddle
sole » soul
something or rather see or other » or rather
sordid » sorted
sort after see sought » sort
sort for see sought » sort
sought » sort
soul rights see sole » soul
sound byte see bite » byte
soup » supe
Southern brawl see drawl » brawl
Southern draw see drawl » draw
sow » sew
sow » soak
spade cat see spayed » spade
spark » sparkle
sparkle protests (etc.) see spark » sparkle
spayed » spade
spear of influence see sphere » spear
sphere » spear
spinal chord see cord » chord
spit and image » spitting image
spout » sprout
spread like wildflowers see wildfire » wildflowers
spur » spurn
spur » spurt
square quotes see scare » square
squeamish » squirmish
squib » squid
stalk » stock
stalk raving mad see stark raving » stalk raving
star-craving mad see stark raving » star-craving
stark raven mad see stark raving » stark raven
stark raving » star-craving
stark raving » stalk raving
stark raving » stark raven
statute » statue
stings and arrows see slings » stings
stock » stalk
stole away see stow » stole
stow » stole
straight as a narrow see arrow » narrow
straightjacket, straight-laced, Straight(s) of X see strait » straight
strait » straight
strike » stripe
string » sting
stripe me pink see strike » stripe
strong suite see suit » suite
suit » suite
Summer Teenager see Tanager » teenager
suped-up see soup » supe
surname » sirname
tack » tact
tact » tack
tail » tale
take another tact see tack » tact
take for granite see granted » granite
take the reigns of power see rein » reign
take with a grain assault see of salt » assault
tale » tail
Tanager » teenager
tattle-tail see tale » tail
tell-tail see tale » tail
tenet » tenant
tenet » tent
tenterhooks » tenderhooks
term » turn
term of speech see turn » term
the bud of someone's jokes see butt » bud
the dye is cast see die » dye
the invincible hand see invisible » invincible
the Monday world see mundane » Monday
the straight and arrow see narrow » arrow
threw » through
throes » throws
throes » throngs
throngs of passion see throes » throngs
through (someone) for a loop see threw » through
throws of passion see throes » throws
tide » tie
tie one over see tide » tie
tighty-whitey » tidy-whitey
time in memorial see immemorial » in memorial
tinderbox » tenderbox
to each's own see each his » each's
to spite » despite
toe » tow
toe-head see tow » toe
toe-headed see tow » toe
told » total
tongs » thongs
tongue in cheek » tongue and cheek
torch paper see touch » torch
touch » torch
touch a cord see chord » cord
tow » toe
tow the line see toe » tow
tract » track
trade » trait
traitor » trader
traumatic » dramatic
treasure cove see trove » cove
tried » trite
trite and true see tried » trite
trove » cove
try one's hat at sth. see hand » hat
turn » term
two sense worth see cents » sense
uncharted » unchartered
underlying » underlining
underlying » underline
undue » undo
untimely » on timely
up and coming » up incoming
up most discretion see utmost » up most
up most importance see utmost » up most
up most satisfaction see utmost » up most
up to stuff see snuff » stuff
uphauled see appall » uphaul
uphauling see appall » uphaul
utmost » up most
vale » veil
valedictorian » valevictorian
vantage » vintage
vast » fast
veil of tears see vale » veil
versus » verses
view » you
vintage point see vantage » vintage
vocal chords see cord » chord
wail away at see whale » wail
waist » waste
walk down the isle see aisle » isle
wander » wonder
wangle » wrangle
washboard » dashboard
way » wave
way » weigh
way anchor see weigh » way
way in (on) see weigh » way
weigh » way
weigh station see way » weigh
weigh-lay see way » weigh
well-healed see heel » heal
wet one's appetite see whet » wet
whale » wail
what in/the/in the Sand Hill see Sam Hill » Sand Hill
wheedle down see whittle » wheedle
wheel barrel see barrow » barrel
whence » whenst
whet » wet
while » wild
whittle » wheedle
Whoa is me! see woe » whoa
wholesale » whole-scale
wide » wild
wild awake see wide » wild
wildfire » wildflowers
will o' » willow
willow the wisp see will o' » willow
Winchell factor see wind chill » Winchell
wind chill » Winchell
wind chill » windshield
wind-nut see wing » wind
windfall » winfall
windshield factor see wind chill » windshield
winfall see windfall » winfall
wing » wink
wing » wind
wing » whim
wise tale see wives » wise
without further adieu see ado » adieu
wives » wise
wives tail see tale » tail
woe » whoa
woe is » woeth
woeth me see woe is » woeth
wont » want
works like a champ see charm » champ
worth your wild see while » wild
worthwhile » worthwild
wrangle an invitation see wangle » wrangle
wreak » reek
wreak » wreck
wreck havoc see wreak » wreck
wring » ring
wring the changes see ring » wring
wringer » ringer
wrought » rod
wrought » rot
wry » rye
zero-sum gain see game » gain

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Thailand may not be perfect and it is not really easy to define just what type of democracy applies here. Here are a few prototypes to help you decide how exactly we are governed.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

The English language has developed from an Anglo-Saxon base of common words: household words, parts of the body, common animals, natural elements, most pronouns, prepositions, conjunctions and auxiliary verbs. Other modern words in English have developed from five sources.

These are discussed below.

Words Created From Nothing

Examples of words that have just appeared in the language out of nothing are byte, dog (replacing the earlier hund), donkey, jam, kick, log, quasar, google, and yuppie.

Shakespeare coined over 1600 words including countless, critical, excellent, lonely, majestic, obscene.

From Ben Johnson we got damp, from Isaac Newton centrifugal and from Thomas More: explain and exact.

Words Created In Error

The vegetable pease was thought to be a plural so that the individual item in the pod was given the name pea. The verb laze was erroneously created from the adjective lazy. The word buttonhole was a mis-hearing of button-hold.

Borrowed and Adopted Words

English has borrowed words from a variety of sources and other languages. Three examples show this.

Orange
The name of the fruit was NARANJ in Sanskrit. This language was spoken in ancient India. Indians traded with Arabs, so the word passed into Arabic as NARANJAH. The Spaniards were ruled by north African Arabs who passed the fruit and word into Spanish as NARANJA (pronounced as NARANHA).

This came into English where the fruit was a NARANJ. Words ending in J are not common in English so the spelling quickly changed to a NARANGE.

The initial N moved to the a because of mis-hearing to give an ARANGE (this is called metanalysis).

Over time, the initial A became an O to give an ORANGE.

Chocolate
When the Spanish arrived in Mexico they came across the Aztecs. The Aztec language is called Nahuatl. The Aztecs had a drink which they made from a bean they called CHOCO (bitter). They would put this bean into water (ATL) to produce CHOCO-ATL (bitter water).

The TL sound is common in the Aztec language but not in Spanish. The Spaniards inserted an A between the T and L and pronounced the drink CHOCOLATO.

This drink was brought to Europe (with sugar added) where the pronunciation and spelling in English became CHOCOLATE.

Algebra
This is a mathematical term. It comes from Arabic.

Mohammad al-Khwarizmi was a mathematician who flourished in Baghdad around the year 800. He wrote a book about the solving of equations. It was called ilm al-jabr wa'l muqabalah (the science of transposition and cancellation).

The term al-jabr from this title gave the English word, ALGEBRA.

Checkmate
This is a term in chess. It is from the Farsi language spoken in Iran and Afghanistan. The original phrase is SHAH-K-MATE (every syllable pronounced) which means "The King is Dead".

The word SHAH means a "king" as in the last monarch (or SHAH) of Iran. MATE has the same root as the English "murder" and the Spanish "matador" (killer).

The word came via French (where the SH became a CH) and into English where the MA-TE (two syllables) became MATE (one syllable) to give CHECKMATE.

Changes In Words

Many words used in modern English have changed their meaning over the years. This is shown in the table below.

Word Original Meaning
awful deserving of awe
brave cowardice (as in bravado)
counterfeit legitimate copy
girl young person of either sex
guess take aim
knight boy
luxury sinful self indulgence
neck parcel of land
(as in neck of the woods)
notorious famous
nuisance injury, harm
quick alive (as in quicksilver)
sophisticated corrupted
tell to count (as in bank teller)
truant beggar

The word silly meant blessed or happy in the 11th century going through pious, innocent, harmless, pitiable, feeble, feeble minded before finally ending up as foolish or stupid.

Pretty began as crafty then changed via clever, skilfully made, fine to beautiful.

Buxom began with the meaning obedient and changed via compliant, lively, plump to large breasted.

The word nice meant stupid and foolish in the late 13th Century. It went through a number of changes including wanton, extravagant, elegant, strange, modest, thin, and shy. By the middle of the 18th Century it had gained its current meaning of pleasant and agreeable.

Words are still changing even today - consider how the words ‘bad’ and ‘gay’ have changed i

Even as a professor of English, it is not my place to reject new terms and vocabulary just because they do not suit my way of understanding things or of expressing myself in as erudite a fashion as possible.

Words emerge from the parallel worlds of slang linked to music, sport, the ghettos of the world and from the various walks of life - economic and technological for example- and often embed themselves in common and everyday speech through frequent useage or simply because it is fashionable to adopt ‘cool’ new words.

Here are a few 'new' words which may never make it to the language itself, but nevertheless form part of the constant stream of vocabulary pouring from the orifices of the world around us.

Enjoy!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

Oh well, guess the search goes on!

No, she meant no disrespect to the English language. It was an accidental slip of her tongue. To err is human and verbal mishaps occur often in speech. At times it can cause calamity.

Take the case of the head of an Accounts Dept, who was horrified when he was introduced to the visiting M. D. as the Thief Accountant!

Everybody is prone to verbal errors.

The term used for such funny and outrageous substitutes for the right word is Malapropism. The word Malapropism was coined after the character, Ms. Malaprop in a play called, `The Rivals' by Richard Sheridan in the year 1775. `The Rivals', a satire, ridicules fashionable society with its materialism, hypocrisy and gossip. ‘Mal a prop’ means inappropriate in French.

Ms. Malaprop thus was a feather-brained lady who possessed a glib tongue. In her efforts to represent the cre่me de society she appeared comical due to her ludicrous substitution of words.

"He is the very pineapple of politeness", she once described an acquaintance when she meant pinnacle for pineapple. This play which is replete with her verbal slips led the English Dictionary to add a new entry called Malapropism. It means an accidental use of a similar sounding word for another.

Malapropism can be classified into several groups. It can be accidental, intentional or due to ignorance. Inexperienced users of the language trying to stretch their vocabulary can stagger into Malapropism creating embarrassment. A person once trying to enlighten others on Charles Darwin remarked that Darwin was the author of `The Organ of the Species'!

Certain malapropisms are not just funny but can set us thinking as they have deep undertones. Here are some-

’The doctor felt the man's purse and felt there was no hope.’
‘Having one wife is called monotony.’
‘Mrs and Mr Smith request your presents at the marriage of their daughter.’

The English language it is said outnumbers all other languages in the number of words and it grows each day as it borrows words extensively from other languages. Changing life styles, new ideas and inventions also call for new words and expressions. Thus it provides a very fertile ground for verbal slips.

Some Malapropisms can also just be plain meaningless but funny and burlesque - for example:

“The first thing they do when a baby is born is cut its biblical cord.” “Please excuse Pat from grammar class today as he has very loose vowels.”
“Please excuse Jane from work today as she has a terrible cold and cannot breed well.”

Malapropism means the wrong substitution for a single word. It differs from Spoonerism where the mishap occurs when two words are juxtaposed- for example Happy You Near. Such verbal slips though mishaps ironically contribute to the uniqueness of the language.

Indulging in wise cracks has always been a favourite past time for relaxation making language a rich source of entertainment and pleasure. English language goofs revel in such verbal flip-flops.

They can be a great source for fun. For example:

“A seven-pound baby arrived today to frighten the lives of Ms. and Mr. Green.”
“His father is some kind of a civil serpent.”
“The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.”
“ The noble soul gave refuse to the exiled man.”

The power of language is never to be underestimated. It is said to destroy a race, all you have to do is to kill their language. Thus literary mishaps like Malapropism apart from mere fun takes language to greater heights and makes it a vibrant force, thus very much alive and kicking.

The Thais of course are suitably modest and often embarassed at their own attempts to use English. But they are far from the first to mangle this beautiful language by accident – or by design.

Our American friends and those a little nearer in OZ (an abbreviation which is a perfect example of quite unnecessary abuse of the language in place) are adept at screwing up perfectly good English, for no apparent reason.

Let me quote you something just by way of example. Get your sick bags ready!

This is a ‘fair dinkum’ Australian in full cry: “What a two bob lair you turned out to be, trying to do a bit of good for yourself with a drak sheila like that. Talk about crook, I don’t think she even had the full shilling.”

Their ‘lingo’ is sprinkled with what can only be decribed as slang, with ’togs’ for swimming costume, ‘tucker’ for food, ‘whinge’ for complain, or ‘doing your lolly’.

How about ‘sonky’ which means stupid Down Under; or ‘endless belt’, ‘Mallee root’, ‘ferry’, ‘chromo’ and ‘lowheel’ - all Antipodean terms for a prostitute.

Unlike their American friends, Australian cowboys don’t fend off ‘rustlers’ trying to steal their cattle. Instead such thieves indulge in ‘cattle podging’ or ‘poddy dodging’! And if someone does steal cattle in Australia, the owners of the beasts and the cowhands will ‘get a snout on’ or get angry, in simple English.

A small stone in England is called a pebble. Quite mysteriously in Australia it becomes a ‘yonnie”, something you fire off in your catapult right? No, it’s a ‘ging’ in Alice Springs, not a catty!

How would you react if someone asked you: ’Aving a bit of a shivoo tonight, are you mate?’ They want to know if you are having party. Next day they might ask if you were ‘out to it’ (drunk) last night and were you ‘stoushin Johns’, or fighting the police?

And ladies, don’t be offended if an Australian asks you “what do you get for a screw?’ The ‘fair dinkum cobber’ (nice workmate) only wants to know what your salary is!

When an Australian says: “Ow ya goin?”, in the local vernacular there is a choice of three replies: (1) “Not bad, ‘ow’s yerself?” (2) “Good as gold”. (3) ‘Carn complain’.

In discussing or enquiring about amorous successes of late you may well be asked: “Getting any?” Understandably – being a man - your reply may well be a touch exaggerated, and if so in Oz you might answer thus: (1) “Climbing trees to get away from it mate!” (2) Got to swim under water to dodge it mate!” (3) So busy I’ve had to put a man on!”

And ‘to perve’ means to extract pleasure from the visible attributes of a woman.

By the way, the Australians don’t fart or break wind, they ‘fluff’!

And that my friends is the ‘dinkum oil’, or the ‘plain truth’!

My (Thai) lady is always asking me what “this” means or “that” and often the words are not very complicated and usually very mundane. To help broaden her pronunciation and her vocabulary, I compiled this list of some of the most beautiful words in English...and gave her a bigger dictionary:

ASPHODEL, FAWN, DAWN, CHALICE, ANEMONE, TRANQUIL, HUSH, GOLDEN, HALCYON, CAMELLIA, THRUSH, CHIMES, MURMURING, LULLABY, LUMINOUS, DAMASK, MELODY, MARIGOLD, ORIOLE, TENDRIL, MYRRH, GOSSAMER, MIST, OLEANDER, ROSEMARY.

Other writers, poets, and critics nominate these selections:

HOME (Lowell Thomas), CHATTANOOGA (Irvin S. Cobb), MELODY (Charles Swain Thomas), NOBILITY (Stephen D. Wise), VERMILLION (Lew Sarett), GRACIOUS (Bess Streeter Aldrich), PAVEMENT (Arnold Bennett), LOVELY (George Balch Nevin), HARBORS OF MEMORY (William McFee), and NEVERMORE (Elias Lieberman).

The most musical words seem to be those containing the letter 'L.
I think, offhand, of such words as VIOLET, LAKE, LAUGHTER, WILLOW, LOVELY, LUST, LILAC and other such liquid syllables.

According to James Joyce, CUSPIDOR is the most beautiful word in English

A survey conducted in 2004 by the British Council which asked more than 40,000 people around the world to rank the most beautiful words among a list of 70 words found MOTHER first, followed by PASSION, SMILE, LOVE, and ETERNITY.

The ten worst-sounding words in English, according to a poll by the National Association of Teachers of Speech in August, 1946 were: CACOPHONY, CRUNCH, FLATULENT, GRIPE, JAZZ, PHLEGMATIC, PLUMP, PLUTOCRAT, SAP, and TREACHERY.

According to reporter, editor, writer, and author Willard R. Espy, the ten most beautiful words in the English language are SHINE, GOSSAMER, LULLABY, MEANDERING, MELLIFLUOUS, MURMURING, ONOMATOPOEIA, SHENANDOAH, SUMMER AFTERNOON, and WISTERIA.

Espy also nominates the ten ugliest-sounding words in English, excluding indecent words: FRUCTIFY, KUMQUAT, QUAHOG, CREPUSCULAR, KAKKAK, GARGOYLE, CACOPHONOUS, AASVOGEL, BROBDINGNAGIAN, JUKEBOX.

Send us your favourites!