Language

February 27, 2006

Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom

by Master B. Art-Simpson

I personally myself may not be the IQ of the sentury even after a lifetime in skool, but I am lukkyer then most because when I get home I have the best dad in the world with a lot of brian to spare. Here are some of his words of wisdom - he calls them Homer's Kommandments - what he has wrote for me to study and fer you to share...

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

God bless those pagans.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!

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February 01, 2006

The Truth Behind The New News

By Cy Nical

The meaning behind the language of the news which bombards us every day is changing. Here’s a few pointed examples:

Alternative Lifestyle A living arrangement considered exotic and slightly offensive by the prevailing culture; e.g., a churchgoing nuclear family headed by a married couple, one (and only one) of whom is a woman.
Beard Male facial foliage, formerly shaved clean or grown to exuberant excess according to the taste of the times. In current fashion, a carefully cultivated five o'clock shadow.
Closet The secret hideout of anyone who would be disgraced by public exposure, like homosexuals in the past or admirers of Richard Nixon today.
Director’s Cut The laborious restoration of a film to its former ego boundaries; the only cut that adds length to the original.
Edgy Sufficiently abrasive and obnoxious to captivate an urban audience.
Education The long and difficult process by which a young person comes to detest books.
Flirting Wiggling one's toe in the pool while fantasizing about a swim into the deep end. In the contemporary workplace, likely grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Freedom 1. In the U.S., the sacred right to speak and act according to one's conscience, except when dealing with sensitive special-interest groups or militant Republican administrations. 2. What the U.S. frequently exports to developing nations, by force if necessary.
Gated Community An upscale residential enclave that graciously surrounds itself with walls to protect the outside world from its inhabitants.
Interactive Describing a computer program so technologically advanced that it provides almost the same satisfaction as a simple dialogue between two actual humans.
McJob The first stop on a college graduate’s journey to lifelong McCynicism.
Opportunist Someone skilled at exploiting people and events for personal gain, a behavioral aberration generally punished with fame and riches.

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December 27, 2005

Where DO Words Really Come From?

by Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

The English language has developed from an Anglo-Saxon base of common words: household words, parts of the body, common animals, natural elements, most pronouns, prepositions, conjunctions and auxiliary verbs. Other modern words in English have developed from five sources.

These are discussed below.

Words Created From Nothing

Examples of words that have just appeared in the language out of nothing are byte, dog (replacing the earlier hund), donkey, jam, kick, log, quasar, google, and yuppie.

Shakespeare coined over 1600 words including countless, critical, excellent, lonely, majestic, obscene.

From Ben Johnson we got damp, from Isaac Newton centrifugal and from Thomas More: explain and exact.

Words Created In Error

The vegetable pease was thought to be a plural so that the individual item in the pod was given the name pea. The verb laze was erroneously created from the adjective lazy. The word buttonhole was a mis-hearing of button-hold.

Borrowed and Adopted Words

English has borrowed words from a variety of sources and other languages. Three examples show this.

Orange
The name of the fruit was NARANJ in Sanskrit. This language was spoken in ancient India. Indians traded with Arabs, so the word passed into Arabic as NARANJAH. The Spaniards were ruled by north African Arabs who passed the fruit and word into Spanish as NARANJA (pronounced as NARANHA).

This came into English where the fruit was a NARANJ. Words ending in J are not common in English so the spelling quickly changed to a NARANGE.

The initial N moved to the a because of mis-hearing to give an ARANGE (this is called metanalysis).

Over time, the initial A became an O to give an ORANGE.

Chocolate
When the Spanish arrived in Mexico they came across the Aztecs. The Aztec language is called Nahuatl. The Aztecs had a drink which they made from a bean they called CHOCO (bitter). They would put this bean into water (ATL) to produce CHOCO-ATL (bitter water).

The TL sound is common in the Aztec language but not in Spanish. The Spaniards inserted an A between the T and L and pronounced the drink CHOCOLATO.

This drink was brought to Europe (with sugar added) where the pronunciation and spelling in English became CHOCOLATE.

Algebra
This is a mathematical term. It comes from Arabic.

Mohammad al-Khwarizmi was a mathematician who flourished in Baghdad around the year 800. He wrote a book about the solving of equations. It was called ilm al-jabr wa'l muqabalah (the science of transposition and cancellation).

The term al-jabr from this title gave the English word, ALGEBRA.

Checkmate
This is a term in chess. It is from the Farsi language spoken in Iran and Afghanistan. The original phrase is SHAH-K-MATE (every syllable pronounced) which means "The King is Dead".

The word SHAH means a "king" as in the last monarch (or SHAH) of Iran. MATE has the same root as the English "murder" and the Spanish "matador" (killer).

The word came via French (where the SH became a CH) and into English where the MA-TE (two syllables) became MATE (one syllable) to give CHECKMATE.

Changes In Words

Many words used in modern English have changed their meaning over the years. This is shown in the table below.

Word Original Meaning
awful deserving of awe
brave cowardice (as in bravado)
counterfeit legitimate copy
girl young person of either sex
guess take aim
knight boy
luxury sinful self indulgence
neck parcel of land
(as in neck of the woods)
notorious famous
nuisance injury, harm
quick alive (as in quicksilver)
sophisticated corrupted
tell to count (as in bank teller)
truant beggar

The word silly meant blessed or happy in the 11th century going through pious, innocent, harmless, pitiable, feeble, feeble minded before finally ending up as foolish or stupid.

Pretty began as crafty then changed via clever, skilfully made, fine to beautiful.

Buxom began with the meaning obedient and changed via compliant, lively, plump to large breasted.

The word nice meant stupid and foolish in the late 13th Century. It went through a number of changes including wanton, extravagant, elegant, strange, modest, thin, and shy. By the middle of the 18th Century it had gained its current meaning of pleasant and agreeable.

Words are still changing even today - consider how the words ‘bad’ and ‘gay’ have changed i

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December 08, 2005

Where do words come from and why?

by Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

Even as a professor of English, it is not my place to reject new terms and vocabulary just because they do not suit my way of understanding things or of expressing myself in as erudite a fashion as possible.

Words emerge from the parallel worlds of slang linked to music, sport, the ghettos of the world and from the various walks of life - economic and technological for example- and often embed themselves in common and everyday speech through frequent useage or simply because it is fashionable to adopt ‘cool’ new words.

Here are a few 'new' words which may never make it to the language itself, but nevertheless form part of the constant stream of vocabulary pouring from the orifices of the world around us.

Enjoy!

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November 10, 2005

UPON MY WORD

Many of us are caught trying to find the right word and some go a step further and make up their own. I am sure you have some yourself…words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should. Here are a few new words to get you started!

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September 08, 2005

Fossicking Down Under For A Fremantle Doctor To Clear Any Frig-ups*

by Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

The Thais of course are suitably modest and often embarassed at their own attempts to use English. But they are far from the first to mangle this beautiful language by accident – or by design.

Our American friends and those a little nearer in OZ (an abbreviation which is a perfect example of quite unnecessary abuse of the language in place) are adept at screwing up perfectly good English, for no apparent reason.

Let me quote you something just by way of example. Get your sick bags ready!

This is a ‘fair dinkum’ Australian in full cry: “What a two bob lair you turned out to be, trying to do a bit of good for yourself with a drak sheila like that. Talk about crook, I don’t think she even had the full shilling.”

Their ‘lingo’ is sprinkled with what can only be decribed as slang, with ’togs’ for swimming costume, ‘tucker’ for food, ‘whinge’ for complain, or ‘doing your lolly’.

How about ‘sonky’ which means stupid Down Under; or ‘endless belt’, ‘Mallee root’, ‘ferry’, ‘chromo’ and ‘lowheel’ - all Antipodean terms for a prostitute.

Unlike their American friends, Australian cowboys don’t fend off ‘rustlers’ trying to steal their cattle. Instead such thieves indulge in ‘cattle podging’ or ‘poddy dodging’! And if someone does steal cattle in Australia, the owners of the beasts and the cowhands will ‘get a snout on’ or get angry, in simple English.

A small stone in England is called a pebble. Quite mysteriously in Australia it becomes a ‘yonnie”, something you fire off in your catapult right? No, it’s a ‘ging’ in Alice Springs, not a catty!

How would you react if someone asked you: ’Aving a bit of a shivoo tonight, are you mate?’ They want to know if you are having party. Next day they might ask if you were ‘out to it’ (drunk) last night and were you ‘stoushin Johns’, or fighting the police?

And ladies, don’t be offended if an Australian asks you “what do you get for a screw?’ The ‘fair dinkum cobber’ (nice workmate) only wants to know what your salary is!

When an Australian says: “Ow ya goin?”, in the local vernacular there is a choice of three replies: (1) “Not bad, ‘ow’s yerself?” (2) “Good as gold”. (3) ‘Carn complain’.

In discussing or enquiring about amorous successes of late you may well be asked: “Getting any?” Understandably – being a man - your reply may well be a touch exaggerated, and if so in Oz you might answer thus: (1) “Climbing trees to get away from it mate!” (2) Got to swim under water to dodge it mate!” (3) So busy I’ve had to put a man on!”

And ‘to perve’ means to extract pleasure from the visible attributes of a woman.

By the way, the Australians don’t fart or break wind, they ‘fluff’!

And that my friends is the ‘dinkum oil’, or the ‘plain truth’!

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August 19, 2005

BEAUTIFUL (AND NOT-SO-BEAUTIFUL) ENGLISH WORDS

by Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

My (Thai) lady is always asking me what “this” means or “that” and often the words are not very complicated and usually very mundane. To help broaden her pronunciation and her vocabulary, I compiled this list of some of the most beautiful words in English...and gave her a bigger dictionary:

ASPHODEL, FAWN, DAWN, CHALICE, ANEMONE, TRANQUIL, HUSH, GOLDEN, HALCYON, CAMELLIA, THRUSH, CHIMES, MURMURING, LULLABY, LUMINOUS, DAMASK, MELODY, MARIGOLD, ORIOLE, TENDRIL, MYRRH, GOSSAMER, MIST, OLEANDER, ROSEMARY.

Other writers, poets, and critics nominate these selections:

HOME (Lowell Thomas), CHATTANOOGA (Irvin S. Cobb), MELODY (Charles Swain Thomas), NOBILITY (Stephen D. Wise), VERMILLION (Lew Sarett), GRACIOUS (Bess Streeter Aldrich), PAVEMENT (Arnold Bennett), LOVELY (George Balch Nevin), HARBORS OF MEMORY (William McFee), and NEVERMORE (Elias Lieberman).

The most musical words seem to be those containing the letter 'L.
I think, offhand, of such words as VIOLET, LAKE, LAUGHTER, WILLOW, LOVELY, LUST, LILAC and other such liquid syllables.

According to James Joyce, CUSPIDOR is the most beautiful word in English

A survey conducted in 2004 by the British Council which asked more than 40,000 people around the world to rank the most beautiful words among a list of 70 words found MOTHER first, followed by PASSION, SMILE, LOVE, and ETERNITY.

The ten worst-sounding words in English, according to a poll by the National Association of Teachers of Speech in August, 1946 were: CACOPHONY, CRUNCH, FLATULENT, GRIPE, JAZZ, PHLEGMATIC, PLUMP, PLUTOCRAT, SAP, and TREACHERY.

According to reporter, editor, writer, and author Willard R. Espy, the ten most beautiful words in the English language are SHINE, GOSSAMER, LULLABY, MEANDERING, MELLIFLUOUS, MURMURING, ONOMATOPOEIA, SHENANDOAH, SUMMER AFTERNOON, and WISTERIA.

Espy also nominates the ten ugliest-sounding words in English, excluding indecent words: FRUCTIFY, KUMQUAT, QUAHOG, CREPUSCULAR, KAKKAK, GARGOYLE, CACOPHONOUS, AASVOGEL, BROBDINGNAGIAN, JUKEBOX.

Send us your favourites!

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July 19, 2005

The Ins and Outs of Thinglish

by Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

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June 28, 2005

THINGLISH May Not Be Alone

By Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

In case you needed further proof that THINGLISH properly
has its origins outside of Thailand, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer products culled from
a lifetime’s research:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet-mounted mirror used by U.S. cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemoroids:
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL
SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION
LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.
WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY
5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. (Ouch!)
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap:
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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June 15, 2005

ORIGINS OF THINGLISH: THE BLIND LEADING THE KIND

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May 16, 2005

Thai is a completely phonetic,

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May 14, 2005

a master of Thinglish

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