ORIGINS OF THINGLISH: THE BLIND LEADING THE KIND

by Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

I of course have to laugh at the expats who tease the Thais about their English. You have to hear the shiploads of farang outcasts who live here as they attempt to speak Thai, by raising their voices on the Skytrain or in some Nana bar to impress visitors and we ‘new arrivals’ with their cool savoir faire and ‘awesome’ command of Thai.

Pathetic they are as they stumble over pronounciations that even a five-year-old Thai kid can’t understand!

And what’s more terrifying is that many of these elderly yobbos and colonial rejects are attempting to make a living here teaching another foreign language - English – a language they themselves are only vaguely familiar with. I met one English teacher from Scunthorpe who thought a pronoun was a vegetable!

The Americans are worse. They can’t even speak the language, let alone teach it. And most are retired plumbers or pensioned-off mechanics with only a working knowledge of grammar. One retarded American once asked: “Where in the States is Grammar?” Hardly suprising then that the poor Thais are struggling to pick up the basics of English pronunciation from such unqualified halfwits. I am sure the Thais will have the last laugh one day.

It is not an easy language to teach and simply having it as your mother tongue is not enough to qualify any former forklift driver or retired truck driver as a teacher, just because they “really love the Thai people and really want to stay here.”

For the Thais, it comes as little surprise to learn that they are having a tough time understanding their latest ‘teacher’. The turnover of teachers in private schools is criminal and the students are cheated of their fees as they sit bewildered trying to interpret the garbage coming from some uneducated yobbo over here for a lark, as he parades his ignorance in front of the kids for 400 baht an hour in one of the sweatshop schools on Siam Square.

Don’t blame the Thais!

And anyway, as my chat friend told us all one evening over the net: “English is indeed a polymorphous and multifractal language with many forms and subforms, including American and even Australian. We need not be hard and fast in insisting upon a sterile uniformity of expression - the key thing is that the message is received. While we may smile at some distortions the gist becomes clear. I recall with some considerable affection a large sign at Ekkamai Bus Station some years ago boldly proclaiming: "Toilet is Back". Upon examination this proved to indicate that the ablutionary services were located at the back of the main concourse and that we were quite mistaken in our initial suspicions that these laudable services, having been removed, were now proudly reinstated. Upon a moment’s careful reflection, the message becomes clear.”

I recall the classic I saw once at the dry cleaners at Central Lad Prao which had a sign that said: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR SATISFACTION

If on the other hand you find yourself hooked up with a young lady who did not quite finish her education, you may find the following glossary of THINGLISH standards of some help. We would like to add to the glossary so please keep them coming:

mai work it’s no good
apahtmen apartment
baeng bank
bah bar
bahtahree battery
laster before
mai keh don’t care
klaht-sik classic
com-pyu-dah computer
gopee copy
koopong coupon
dis-a-hgo disco
donaht donut
fach-chan fashion
fee free
foot-bon football
ho-ten hotel
ai-sah-keem ice cream
ai ice
yam jam
nai nice
loh-man-teek romantic
send-weet sandwich
see-lee-at serious
chock shock
chop-ping shopping
sik six
sam-art smart
sah-pah-get-tee spaghetti
sah-tamp stamp
sah-take steak
sah-poon spoon
sah-tew-den student
chuah sure
twell too well, fine
tek-nol-o-yee technology
tee-wee television
up-sah-tay upstairs
wee-dee-o video
wee-you view