June 28, 2005

Language | THINGLISH May Not Be Alone

By Professor Auberon Brinsley-Standish

In case you needed further proof that THINGLISH properly
has its origins outside of Thailand, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer products culled from
a lifetime’s research:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet-mounted mirror used by U.S. cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemoroids:
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL
SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION
LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.
WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY
5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. (Ouch!)
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap:
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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June 15, 2005

Language | ORIGINS OF THINGLISH: THE BLIND LEADING THE KIND

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